If a wound doesn’t heal properly, it will fester.  Before the advent of modern medicine many wounds would become infected and it would subsequently spread throughout the body to cause death.  In the present day, our internal wounds can do the same thing.  That emotional wound, that pain, runs rampant through your emotional system.  When not healed, it can subconsciously affect your relationships.  The feelings of neglect, emotional unavailability, alcoholism or substance abuse, anger, lack of attachment, lack of boundaries, criticism, feelings of unworthiness – all of that pain causes a wound. Thus, those wounds are within your subconscious and become the driving force in choosing relational partners.  The familiar pain, the known feeling of chasing a woman who isn’t interested mirrors the feeling of an unavailable mother, or the constant yelling of a boyfriend is a reminder of the rage of an angry father. People that had critical or withdrawn parents will also choose people who are withdrawn and critical.  There usually isn’t an awareness of this pull to the familiar.  It is so difficult to disconnect from our childhood experiences that we will be drawn to people that share the same characteristics of a parent who hurt us in the same way.  It is hardly perceptible, yet our unconscious mind is highly connected to our conscious.  It is a natural inclination to attempt to have a do-over from the feelings of being a helpless child and not able to control any situations and not knowing how to handle it even if it was possible. When engaging with a new person the old feelings are projected.  If the person is stable then then that will feel too foreign and we may think that they are too boring or there is no chemistry.  The very same things we might say we want in a partner are not enough if the comfortable and familiar pain is not there.   We might be saying one thing, but our actions show something very different.  That resistance is the acknowledgement, the clue that you have emotional work to do.  The more emotionally healthy you get, then you will begin to welcome that lack of repeated feelings.  You will lean into stability and be confident about what you bring to the table and the partners you choose.  You can have this recognition with your partner and both of you have emotional growth and both see each other in a different perspective.

Choose to do the work to heal and break the cycle. Then you can choose the right partner for you.

Most of the time, when we are hurt, we have given the person hurting us access to do so.   By being vulnerable and taking a risk to love (which required a certain inner strength), we gave them permission to get into our open heart. This is a healthy act, as it is required if we are to experience love.  However, if active hurt happens repeatedly, that relationship may be unhealthy and should end.  Don’t let a person dim the light that lives in your soul. You can decide not to let them dictate your emotional reaction.  It isn’t easy, but it can be done.  Fighting for a relationship with someone who never deserved your strength is pointless.  Just because they are not right for you doesn’t mean someone else isn’t.  You are still someone’s idea of their dream girl/guy. Don’t let the wrong person block the way to the right one.  You can choose to be with someone who deserves you and is ready to appreciate you. Hurt might cause small cracks in your heart, but that is where the light comes in – through the cracks and fills us.

Believe in your ability to love.

Character is a hard thing to define.  Yet, most of us know that having good character is something we want and want in the people we surround ourselves with.  There are many telltale signs and indicators of not only our own character, but someone else’s.  Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” It would seem quite simple, but it is easy to not see what is in front of you.  We also have to remember that we can project our own issues onto someone and have the story we tell ourselves be our perceived truth, rather than the actual truth. But something occurred recently that gave me pause to really think about this subject.

If someone is repeatedly accusing you of doing, saying or thinking something that is negative, inflammatory, and frankly something you wouldn’t even think about doing/saying/thinking, then you have been given a red flag. Because the fact of the matter is, they did think of it.  They did believe it. They did do it.  So they think you did/say/think the same thing. Maybe it was just done to them, but they are demonstrating issues of distrust.  They are showing you that their “go to” is negative and that they are quick to believe the worst.

While this might not be the worst character flaw in a list of flaws, it is one of the most important ones to me.  I want to surround myself with people who believe the best in others.  People who choose to be kind and choose to have grace.  This might seem contradictory to what I said in the beginning, but I view it in a different light.  While we should want to have grace and acceptance for people, we also have to learn to differentiate between someone who is good, makes mistakes and is remorseful.  Good people do bad things, but they learn from them.  But when a person is just repeatedly unkind and is always thinking the worst of you, there is a lot more going on here.  You have to decide you want to be a part of that.  Lack of kindness is ugly.

Be kind.

It’s that simple.

How many times have you been in need and reached out to a friend only to find yourself feeling worse than before?  You might feel so frustrated and want to scream out “You don’t understand what I am going through!”. We all need support but sometimes our support systems are not sure how to give it.  Sometimes we just choose the wrong people to go to for support.

There are certainly some people who don’t have good intentions – perhaps they are internally competing with you, perhaps they have to one up you with their own issues, or maybe they want to see you suffer because they feel bad about themselves.   (These types of toxic friendships need to be addressed, but that is for another post.) Some people have rigid ideas about what can and cannot be achieved or addressed and they cannot relate to things that cross that boundary. Some people are just there for fun and laughter and not there for the real situations of life because they are not emotionally equipped to handle their own issues, much less yours. Thats ok, we can have different friends for different reasons, as long as you recognize what type of friend they are. Needless to say, those are not the people we need to go to when our own coping mechanisms are not enough.

The first thing you can do to ensure you get the support you need from a real friend when you need it, is to be a friend that supports others.  If someone you care about reaches out to you, be able to do the following things:

1. Be present.  Give them your undivided attention.
2. Ask them how you can support them right now and what do they need from you.
3. Be sure they want to you talk.  Ask the question, because sometimes we all just need someone to listen and allow us to vent.
4. Be careful to not let your own feelings about the issue take over.  We an all have our own opinions about someones friend, husband, wife, child, job, parent, etc.  and when someone is in an emotional place, we need to listen and be there for them and not take the opportunity to unleash because that relationship is theirs, not yours.
5. Let them know you are always available and you love them no matter what.
6. Keep it private. This should be obvious but sometimes we can think if only so and so knew about this, they could make it better, etc.  It’s not your place to get involved to that degree so don’t.  Be someone who can be trusted.
7. The only exception to this is if your friend is in danger such as a physically abusive situation, as then you need to ask them if they are and help them get help.

If you are able to do these things for others, they will know they can count on you and will feel supported and loved.

You have to be a friend to have a friend.

There are many people who have a dealer. It is a person saved in their phone contacts they call to procure something they desire. More often than not, it is on the down – low, for illicit behavior or activity, namely illegal drugs or sex services. Those calls are usually made with secrecy and shame and the end result is never a good one, although that realization usually only happens the day after, and too late.

I am a dealer too. But don’t call me unless you desire something very different. You see, I am a hope dealer. I want to provide hope, encouragement, interest, support and kindness. We can help others to seek to create a life so good for themselves that they ultimately don’t need to numb out from it. That doesn’t come easy. Many people suffer from addictions and unresolved trauma and conflict and pain. Some of that requires rehabilitation or psychotherapy and other types of help. However, we can all be hope dealers to those in need. We can create a paradigm shift away from the common practice of putting people down with judgement and criticism and gossip and hate. We can instead help people rise up to be the best version of themselves by understanding that everyone has their own story, their own reason for who they are. Accepting that you don’t know what someone is going through, and most certainly everyone either has or will go through something hard, and practicing kindness is life changing. When we lift others, we become elevated inside as well.

This type of attitude is infectious. If you surround yourself with friends who want the best for you, who have no jealousy, who communicate and care, who promote you and support you, the amount of haters you encounter is subsequently reduced. I believe it comes down to creating a certain atmosphere of love, because we all need it. We all thrive from a connection to open and loving people. It may be a small change, but if you actively live with a purpose of doing so, and communicate when you are not getting this or feeling this from your circle, the results can only be positive and obvious.

Be a hope dealer. Be involved in the trade of giving hope and love. That transaction will reward you with feeling like a million dollars, without the damage to your wallet or your life.

Hope may be a whisper in a world that is shouting, but if we can hear it, we can live it.