Character is a hard thing to define.  Yet, most of us know that having good character is something we want and want in the people we surround ourselves with.  There are many telltale signs and indicators of not only our own character, but someone else’s.  Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” It would seem quite simple, but it is easy to not see what is in front of you.  We also have to remember that we can project our own issues onto someone and have the story we tell ourselves be our perceived truth, rather than the actual truth. But something occurred recently that gave me pause to really think about this subject.

If someone is repeatedly accusing you of doing, saying or thinking something that is negative, inflammatory, and frankly something you wouldn’t even think about doing/saying/thinking, then you have been given a red flag. Because the fact of the matter is, they did think of it.  They did believe it. They did do it.  So they think you did/say/think the same thing. Maybe it was just done to them, but they are demonstrating issues of distrust.  They are showing you that their “go to” is negative and that they are quick to believe the worst.

While this might not be the worst character flaw in a list of flaws, it is one of the most important ones to me.  I want to surround myself with people who believe the best in others.  People who choose to be kind and choose to have grace.  This might seem contradictory to what I said in the beginning, but I view it in a different light.  While we should want to have grace and acceptance for people, we also have to learn to differentiate between someone who is good, makes mistakes and is remorseful.  Good people do bad things, but they learn from them.  But when a person is just repeatedly unkind and is always thinking the worst of you, there is a lot more going on here.  You have to decide you want to be a part of that.  Lack of kindness is ugly.

Be kind.

It’s that simple.

How many times have you been in need and reached out to a friend only to find yourself feeling worse than before?  You might feel so frustrated and want to scream out “You don’t understand what I am going through!”. We all need support but sometimes our support systems are not sure how to give it.  Sometimes we just choose the wrong people to go to for support.

There are certainly some people who don’t have good intentions – perhaps they are internally competing with you, perhaps they have to one up you with their own issues, or maybe they want to see you suffer because they feel bad about themselves.   (These types of toxic friendships need to be addressed, but that is for another post.) Some people have rigid ideas about what can and cannot be achieved or addressed and they cannot relate to things that cross that boundary. Some people are just there for fun and laughter and not there for the real situations of life because they are not emotionally equipped to handle their own issues, much less yours. Thats ok, we can have different friends for different reasons, as long as you recognize what type of friend they are. Needless to say, those are not the people we need to go to when our own coping mechanisms are not enough.

The first thing you can do to ensure you get the support you need from a real friend when you need it, is to be a friend that supports others.  If someone you care about reaches out to you, be able to do the following things:

1. Be present.  Give them your undivided attention.
2. Ask them how you can support them right now and what do they need from you.
3. Be sure they want to you talk.  Ask the question, because sometimes we all just need someone to listen and allow us to vent.
4. Be careful to not let your own feelings about the issue take over.  We an all have our own opinions about someones friend, husband, wife, child, job, parent, etc.  and when someone is in an emotional place, we need to listen and be there for them and not take the opportunity to unleash because that relationship is theirs, not yours.
5. Let them know you are always available and you love them no matter what.
6. Keep it private. This should be obvious but sometimes we can think if only so and so knew about this, they could make it better, etc.  It’s not your place to get involved to that degree so don’t.  Be someone who can be trusted.
7. The only exception to this is if your friend is in danger such as a physically abusive situation, as then you need to ask them if they are and help them get help.

If you are able to do these things for others, they will know they can count on you and will feel supported and loved.

You have to be a friend to have a friend.