If a wound doesn’t heal properly, it will fester.  Before the advent of modern medicine many wounds would become infected and it would subsequently spread throughout the body to cause death.  In the present day, our internal wounds can do the same thing.  That emotional wound, that pain, runs rampant through your emotional system.  When not healed, it can subconsciously affect your relationships.  The feelings of neglect, emotional unavailability, alcoholism or substance abuse, anger, lack of attachment, lack of boundaries, criticism, feelings of unworthiness – all of that pain causes a wound. Thus, those wounds are within your subconscious and become the driving force in choosing relational partners.  The familiar pain, the known feeling of chasing a woman who isn’t interested mirrors the feeling of an unavailable mother, or the constant yelling of a boyfriend is a reminder of the rage of an angry father. People that had critical or withdrawn parents will also choose people who are withdrawn and critical.  There usually isn’t an awareness of this pull to the familiar.  It is so difficult to disconnect from our childhood experiences that we will be drawn to people that share the same characteristics of a parent who hurt us in the same way.  It is hardly perceptible, yet our unconscious mind is highly connected to our conscious.  It is a natural inclination to attempt to have a do-over from the feelings of being a helpless child and not able to control any situations and not knowing how to handle it even if it was possible. When engaging with a new person the old feelings are projected.  If the person is stable then then that will feel too foreign and we may think that they are too boring or there is no chemistry.  The very same things we might say we want in a partner are not enough if the comfortable and familiar pain is not there.   We might be saying one thing, but our actions show something very different.  That resistance is the acknowledgement, the clue that you have emotional work to do.  The more emotionally healthy you get, then you will begin to welcome that lack of repeated feelings.  You will lean into stability and be confident about what you bring to the table and the partners you choose.  You can have this recognition with your partner and both of you have emotional growth and both see each other in a different perspective.

Choose to do the work to heal and break the cycle. Then you can choose the right partner for you.

Most of the time, when we are hurt, we have given the person hurting us access to do so.   By being vulnerable and taking a risk to love (which required a certain inner strength), we gave them permission to get into our open heart. This is a healthy act, as it is required if we are to experience love.  However, if active hurt happens repeatedly, that relationship may be unhealthy and should end.  Don’t let a person dim the light that lives in your soul. You can decide not to let them dictate your emotional reaction.  It isn’t easy, but it can be done.  Fighting for a relationship with someone who never deserved your strength is pointless.  Just because they are not right for you doesn’t mean someone else isn’t.  You are still someone’s idea of their dream girl/guy. Don’t let the wrong person block the way to the right one.  You can choose to be with someone who deserves you and is ready to appreciate you. Hurt might cause small cracks in your heart, but that is where the light comes in – through the cracks and fills us.

Believe in your ability to love.

If you do the emotional work, you will experience growth.  When it comes, it is usually in small, quiet steps.  These baby steps to healing are an important indicator that you are on the right track.  Some of the changes that can take place are:

1. Recognizing bad habits and unlearning them.
2. Making self care and rest a priority in your life.
3. Asking for help and support.
4. Responding to conflict in a healthy way.
5. Learning from your mistakes.
6. Shying away from toxic people and experiences.
7. Feeling more whole and at peace.
8. Not having judgement about your feelings but understanding they are valid.
9. Changing your choice of words and vernacular to a more compassionate one.
10. Realizing that comfort is not necessarily a good thing – being uncomfortable allows us to grow.

These subtle shifts are not actually quiet – they are screaming to you that you are doing the right things.

We have to walk before we can run.

This is the time to have what I call courageous communication with your family and loved ones.  To promote any kind of change in the world we have to acknowledge it and understand it.

Take the time to talk to your children.  One of the aspects of good parenting allows for a safe space to ask questions, discuss fears, have differing points of view. You might be surprised to learn your kids’ perspectives on sickness, politics, fear, hate, love and much more.

This year is full of challenges, but there can be a message in the mess.  We can all grow, evolve, and become the best people we can be.  Lead your children into being interested and hopeful change agents as an adult.  Lead by example and illustrate an openness to have uncomfortable but necessary talks.  If we all work together with an open mind and loving heart, we can make 2020 count.

There is always a message in the mess.

The world is kind of shitty right now.  With a pandemic killing people worldwide, with political polarization at an all-time high, with confusion and panic, with sickness and death, there is a lot to deal with.  Add the ingredients of depression and anxiety to that mix and you have a recipe for disaster.

To do the right thing and allow the hospitals and health officials catch up, we stayed in, hunkered down, as my grandmother used to say, and did our part to flatten the curve.  As areas begin open up again, there is a varied degree of excitement, frustration, fear, anger, disappointment, you name it.  The constant flood of negative information from the media can cause us to feel more restless, fearful or angry.  Regardless of what side of the fence you sit on or what your personal views are, it is hard.  The sense that it all could be pointless or sense that it will never end, can cause us to feel panicked and as though things are futile.  But we don’t have to feel hopeless or depressed.  We may not have any power over what is going on in the world, but we do have power over our own reactivity.  In order to help us remain calm and to focus on the positive, we need to have action.  Not just eating, watching tv and drinking type of action, or rather non-action.  I am referring to being productive. The act of doing something, anything, can help.  Back to the basics seems simple yet employing these actions can be paramount to creating better feelings about the life we are living today.

One of the most basic things is sleep hygiene.  Not sleeping so much that you are missing out on the day, and not staying up all night binging on Netflix.  Instead a regular nighttime routine, even though our daily routine is far from regular, promotes a sense of normalcy.  Human connection is also integral to feeling better.  Although many of us are with our families 24/7, sometimes that is too much, in fact, the divorce rate has greatly increased during quarantine/isolation.  Yet if you are alone, that can be too little.  Reach out to other friends and do video calls or virtual parties.  We all need to communicate with others on a daily basis.  Having friends to talk to also allows us to realize we aren’t alone and sharing stories and feelings is a great way to feel some relief.  Exercising your body and mind is also a huge way to shift your outlook.  Even if you deplore working out, you will feel better after you are done.  If you can meditate or journal and have some form of introspection it is also healthy.  Reading or learning about a new topic or skill or language or study can instill a sense of evolving.  Additionally, having a creative outlet can get your mind off of things.  Whether you have the next Picasso brewing inside you, or you become the DIY Queen/King, or you give Rachel Ray a run for her money – nurturing creative hobbies can provide a sense of accomplishment which always makes us feel better.  Creative outlets are therapeutic.

Whatever works for you, do it.  But do it with gusto.  Find your best self-inside of you and focus on it.  And above all stay healthy.

Best and Rest!

Hope is being able to see there is light even when it is dark.

Emotional Trauma can be the most difficult thing to overcome yet can be one of the most pervasive problems we can deal with. Wildly misunderstood, some people think it is something you should just get over – like you can snap your fingers.  I assure you it is not that simple.  Most of us have experienced a traumatic experience in some form.  Many of us do resolve those feelings on our own or with help.  Resiliency is common for some people and allows them to recover more easily than others from trauma.  However, many people cope from that painful experience by suppressing those painful emotions.  They didn’t learn how to feel their feelings. Thus, most feelings are interpreted as an adult as bad, due to that emotional wound and memory. This emotional response is trauma and you are thrown off balance.  If these emotions are not resolved, it can carry on into their adult life and affect all aspects of their personal and professional life.  This can take shape as lack of understanding why we react emotionally in certain circumstances.  The trauma is trapped in our bodies and the emotions are robbing us of living our best life.

This trauma is not only an experience but is also an actual rewiring in the brain.  It is imprinted in the body in not only an emotional manner, but a physical one too. It has activated fight, flight or freeze mode internally.  Excess cortisol is produced by your body, causing a circuitry change in your brain.  It can cause a repetitive state where the person is reliving the issue continually and either being numb to feelings or having an overreaction to feelings.  This reptilian part of the brain is overwrought with terror, rage and a lack of hope.  Someone who has endured a lot of issues, especially at a young age, is less resilient and their own insecurities can play a part in holding on to this trauma.

The age we are when we experience emotional wounds is the age we are emotionally, stuck in that age until we resolve those issues.  A pattern can develop where people hurt the people they love most, and they don’t even realize they are doing it, yet are living with the consequences of doing it.  Living with those consequences can cause shame.  To address this is to create a new reality, a new story in your head, that doesn’t encompass the trauma.  Trauma therapy allows you to separate the wounded child from the adult you are.  Feeling the pain, working through it, is the only way to heal from it.

Feeling the pain, working through it, is the only way to heal from it. 

Character is a hard thing to define.  Yet, most of us know that having good character is something we want and want in the people we surround ourselves with.  There are many telltale signs and indicators of not only our own character, but someone else’s.  Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” It would seem quite simple, but it is easy to not see what is in front of you.  We also have to remember that we can project our own issues onto someone and have the story we tell ourselves be our perceived truth, rather than the actual truth. But something occurred recently that gave me pause to really think about this subject.

If someone is repeatedly accusing you of doing, saying or thinking something that is negative, inflammatory, and frankly something you wouldn’t even think about doing/saying/thinking, then you have been given a red flag. Because the fact of the matter is, they did think of it.  They did believe it. They did do it.  So they think you did/say/think the same thing. Maybe it was just done to them, but they are demonstrating issues of distrust.  They are showing you that their “go to” is negative and that they are quick to believe the worst.

While this might not be the worst character flaw in a list of flaws, it is one of the most important ones to me.  I want to surround myself with people who believe the best in others.  People who choose to be kind and choose to have grace.  This might seem contradictory to what I said in the beginning, but I view it in a different light.  While we should want to have grace and acceptance for people, we also have to learn to differentiate between someone who is good, makes mistakes and is remorseful.  Good people do bad things, but they learn from them.  But when a person is just repeatedly unkind and is always thinking the worst of you, there is a lot more going on here.  You have to decide you want to be a part of that.  Lack of kindness is ugly.

Be kind.

It’s that simple.

How many times have you been in need and reached out to a friend only to find yourself feeling worse than before?  You might feel so frustrated and want to scream out “You don’t understand what I am going through!”. We all need support but sometimes our support systems are not sure how to give it.  Sometimes we just choose the wrong people to go to for support.

There are certainly some people who don’t have good intentions – perhaps they are internally competing with you, perhaps they have to one up you with their own issues, or maybe they want to see you suffer because they feel bad about themselves.   (These types of toxic friendships need to be addressed, but that is for another post.) Some people have rigid ideas about what can and cannot be achieved or addressed and they cannot relate to things that cross that boundary. Some people are just there for fun and laughter and not there for the real situations of life because they are not emotionally equipped to handle their own issues, much less yours. Thats ok, we can have different friends for different reasons, as long as you recognize what type of friend they are. Needless to say, those are not the people we need to go to when our own coping mechanisms are not enough.

The first thing you can do to ensure you get the support you need from a real friend when you need it, is to be a friend that supports others.  If someone you care about reaches out to you, be able to do the following things:

1. Be present.  Give them your undivided attention.
2. Ask them how you can support them right now and what do they need from you.
3. Be sure they want to you talk.  Ask the question, because sometimes we all just need someone to listen and allow us to vent.
4. Be careful to not let your own feelings about the issue take over.  We an all have our own opinions about someones friend, husband, wife, child, job, parent, etc.  and when someone is in an emotional place, we need to listen and be there for them and not take the opportunity to unleash because that relationship is theirs, not yours.
5. Let them know you are always available and you love them no matter what.
6. Keep it private. This should be obvious but sometimes we can think if only so and so knew about this, they could make it better, etc.  It’s not your place to get involved to that degree so don’t.  Be someone who can be trusted.
7. The only exception to this is if your friend is in danger such as a physically abusive situation, as then you need to ask them if they are and help them get help.

If you are able to do these things for others, they will know they can count on you and will feel supported and loved.

You have to be a friend to have a friend.

In deference to those I love, or to protect the innocent – which is certainly not the same thing at times, I have transferred to this new blog in which the content is more appropriate for general audiences.  Well, depending on how open minded “general” actually is.  I began blogging years ago when my life was drastically changing as an outlet for the vast amount of free flowing content in my head that must be put in the form of words I can read.  It is that writer in me that cannot be restrained and writing allows me to make sense of things.  Or attempt to anyway.

That blog evolved to an examination of people and a chronicle of my life experiences.  Once I made a decision to focus on writing as a career path, and people actually inquired with some frequency to read what I write, it was obvious that I needed to made a few ah..edits.  Before you ask, the old site has gone to yonder, and this is the replacement.

Alas, I am still unabashedly red, but with a tiny filter in place.  I am still me, I am still a mom, I am still a writer.  The things that define me are in place.  I am a sharing kind of girl, so here I am.

Writing makes us real.  Just the feeling of hiding behind the keys allows us to ultimately be the most exposed.

There are many people who have a dealer. It is a person saved in their phone contacts they call to procure something they desire. More often than not, it is on the down – low, for illicit behavior or activity, namely illegal drugs or sex services. Those calls are usually made with secrecy and shame and the end result is never a good one, although that realization usually only happens the day after, and too late.

I am a dealer too. But don’t call me unless you desire something very different. You see, I am a hope dealer. I want to provide hope, encouragement, interest, support and kindness. We can help others to seek to create a life so good for themselves that they ultimately don’t need to numb out from it. That doesn’t come easy. Many people suffer from addictions and unresolved trauma and conflict and pain. Some of that requires rehabilitation or psychotherapy and other types of help. However, we can all be hope dealers to those in need. We can create a paradigm shift away from the common practice of putting people down with judgement and criticism and gossip and hate. We can instead help people rise up to be the best version of themselves by understanding that everyone has their own story, their own reason for who they are. Accepting that you don’t know what someone is going through, and most certainly everyone either has or will go through something hard, and practicing kindness is life changing. When we lift others, we become elevated inside as well.

This type of attitude is infectious. If you surround yourself with friends who want the best for you, who have no jealousy, who communicate and care, who promote you and support you, the amount of haters you encounter is subsequently reduced. I believe it comes down to creating a certain atmosphere of love, because we all need it. We all thrive from a connection to open and loving people. It may be a small change, but if you actively live with a purpose of doing so, and communicate when you are not getting this or feeling this from your circle, the results can only be positive and obvious.

Be a hope dealer. Be involved in the trade of giving hope and love. That transaction will reward you with feeling like a million dollars, without the damage to your wallet or your life.

Hope may be a whisper in a world that is shouting, but if we can hear it, we can live it.