If a wound doesn’t heal properly, it will fester.  Before the advent of modern medicine many wounds would become infected and it would subsequently spread throughout the body to cause death.  In the present day, our internal wounds can do the same thing.  That emotional wound, that pain, runs rampant through your emotional system.  When not healed, it can subconsciously affect your relationships.  The feelings of neglect, emotional unavailability, alcoholism or substance abuse, anger, lack of attachment, lack of boundaries, criticism, feelings of unworthiness – all of that pain causes a wound. Thus, those wounds are within your subconscious and become the driving force in choosing relational partners.  The familiar pain, the known feeling of chasing a woman who isn’t interested mirrors the feeling of an unavailable mother, or the constant yelling of a boyfriend is a reminder of the rage of an angry father. People that had critical or withdrawn parents will also choose people who are withdrawn and critical.  There usually isn’t an awareness of this pull to the familiar.  It is so difficult to disconnect from our childhood experiences that we will be drawn to people that share the same characteristics of a parent who hurt us in the same way.  It is hardly perceptible, yet our unconscious mind is highly connected to our conscious.  It is a natural inclination to attempt to have a do-over from the feelings of being a helpless child and not able to control any situations and not knowing how to handle it even if it was possible. When engaging with a new person the old feelings are projected.  If the person is stable then then that will feel too foreign and we may think that they are too boring or there is no chemistry.  The very same things we might say we want in a partner are not enough if the comfortable and familiar pain is not there.   We might be saying one thing, but our actions show something very different.  That resistance is the acknowledgement, the clue that you have emotional work to do.  The more emotionally healthy you get, then you will begin to welcome that lack of repeated feelings.  You will lean into stability and be confident about what you bring to the table and the partners you choose.  You can have this recognition with your partner and both of you have emotional growth and both see each other in a different perspective.

Choose to do the work to heal and break the cycle. Then you can choose the right partner for you.

If you do the emotional work, you will experience growth.  When it comes, it is usually in small, quiet steps.  These baby steps to healing are an important indicator that you are on the right track.  Some of the changes that can take place are:

1. Recognizing bad habits and unlearning them.
2. Making self care and rest a priority in your life.
3. Asking for help and support.
4. Responding to conflict in a healthy way.
5. Learning from your mistakes.
6. Shying away from toxic people and experiences.
7. Feeling more whole and at peace.
8. Not having judgement about your feelings but understanding they are valid.
9. Changing your choice of words and vernacular to a more compassionate one.
10. Realizing that comfort is not necessarily a good thing – being uncomfortable allows us to grow.

These subtle shifts are not actually quiet – they are screaming to you that you are doing the right things.

We have to walk before we can run.

The world is kind of shitty right now.  With a pandemic killing people worldwide, with political polarization at an all-time high, with confusion and panic, with sickness and death, there is a lot to deal with.  Add the ingredients of depression and anxiety to that mix and you have a recipe for disaster.

To do the right thing and allow the hospitals and health officials catch up, we stayed in, hunkered down, as my grandmother used to say, and did our part to flatten the curve.  As areas begin open up again, there is a varied degree of excitement, frustration, fear, anger, disappointment, you name it.  The constant flood of negative information from the media can cause us to feel more restless, fearful or angry.  Regardless of what side of the fence you sit on or what your personal views are, it is hard.  The sense that it all could be pointless or sense that it will never end, can cause us to feel panicked and as though things are futile.  But we don’t have to feel hopeless or depressed.  We may not have any power over what is going on in the world, but we do have power over our own reactivity.  In order to help us remain calm and to focus on the positive, we need to have action.  Not just eating, watching tv and drinking type of action, or rather non-action.  I am referring to being productive. The act of doing something, anything, can help.  Back to the basics seems simple yet employing these actions can be paramount to creating better feelings about the life we are living today.

One of the most basic things is sleep hygiene.  Not sleeping so much that you are missing out on the day, and not staying up all night binging on Netflix.  Instead a regular nighttime routine, even though our daily routine is far from regular, promotes a sense of normalcy.  Human connection is also integral to feeling better.  Although many of us are with our families 24/7, sometimes that is too much, in fact, the divorce rate has greatly increased during quarantine/isolation.  Yet if you are alone, that can be too little.  Reach out to other friends and do video calls or virtual parties.  We all need to communicate with others on a daily basis.  Having friends to talk to also allows us to realize we aren’t alone and sharing stories and feelings is a great way to feel some relief.  Exercising your body and mind is also a huge way to shift your outlook.  Even if you deplore working out, you will feel better after you are done.  If you can meditate or journal and have some form of introspection it is also healthy.  Reading or learning about a new topic or skill or language or study can instill a sense of evolving.  Additionally, having a creative outlet can get your mind off of things.  Whether you have the next Picasso brewing inside you, or you become the DIY Queen/King, or you give Rachel Ray a run for her money – nurturing creative hobbies can provide a sense of accomplishment which always makes us feel better.  Creative outlets are therapeutic.

Whatever works for you, do it.  But do it with gusto.  Find your best self-inside of you and focus on it.  And above all stay healthy.

Best and Rest!

Hope is being able to see there is light even when it is dark.

Emotional Trauma can be the most difficult thing to overcome yet can be one of the most pervasive problems we can deal with. Wildly misunderstood, some people think it is something you should just get over – like you can snap your fingers.  I assure you it is not that simple.  Most of us have experienced a traumatic experience in some form.  Many of us do resolve those feelings on our own or with help.  Resiliency is common for some people and allows them to recover more easily than others from trauma.  However, many people cope from that painful experience by suppressing those painful emotions.  They didn’t learn how to feel their feelings. Thus, most feelings are interpreted as an adult as bad, due to that emotional wound and memory. This emotional response is trauma and you are thrown off balance.  If these emotions are not resolved, it can carry on into their adult life and affect all aspects of their personal and professional life.  This can take shape as lack of understanding why we react emotionally in certain circumstances.  The trauma is trapped in our bodies and the emotions are robbing us of living our best life.

This trauma is not only an experience but is also an actual rewiring in the brain.  It is imprinted in the body in not only an emotional manner, but a physical one too. It has activated fight, flight or freeze mode internally.  Excess cortisol is produced by your body, causing a circuitry change in your brain.  It can cause a repetitive state where the person is reliving the issue continually and either being numb to feelings or having an overreaction to feelings.  This reptilian part of the brain is overwrought with terror, rage and a lack of hope.  Someone who has endured a lot of issues, especially at a young age, is less resilient and their own insecurities can play a part in holding on to this trauma.

The age we are when we experience emotional wounds is the age we are emotionally, stuck in that age until we resolve those issues.  A pattern can develop where people hurt the people they love most, and they don’t even realize they are doing it, yet are living with the consequences of doing it.  Living with those consequences can cause shame.  To address this is to create a new reality, a new story in your head, that doesn’t encompass the trauma.  Trauma therapy allows you to separate the wounded child from the adult you are.  Feeling the pain, working through it, is the only way to heal from it.

Feeling the pain, working through it, is the only way to heal from it.